Jim is an actor
He’s got a tractor
He’s got a tractor beam
It works like a dream a
Have you seen the Jim Beam?
Jack is jock and
He’s got a cocker
He’s got a cocker spaniel
Named Daniel
And man, you’ll scream
When you see Jim’s Beam
Tractoring up
Jack’s Daniel
The spaniel
Well the dog beamed up
In the tractor beam
And his legs went limp
And his eyes glowed green and
Man, what a terrible scene
What a terrible scene
Man, what a terrible, terrible scene
When John had sore heel
He bought a four-wheeled
He bought a four-wheeled walker
He stores in a locker
‘Til he feels his heels get sore once more
Max has a factory
Has a factor
He built Johnny’s walker
And locker
And the cocker spaniel was beamed up then
To the great big flying saucer
Well, the dog beamed up
In the tractor beam
And his legs went limp
And his eyes glowed green and
… Oh man, what a terrible scene
What a terrible scene
Man, what a terrible terrible scene
Doo-da-lee-doo-da-doot doo
Jim is an actor
He’s got a tractor
He’s got a tractor beam
He’s got a tractor beam
It works like a dream
Works like a dream
Have you seen
The Jim Beam
Well the dog beamed up
Dog beamed up
In the tractor beam
And his legs went limp
And his eyes glowed green and
Eyes glowed green
Man, what a terrible scene
Man what a terrible scene
Man, what a terrible harrowing parable
Terrible unbearable scene
Jonathan Barron - lead vocals
Lauren London - additional vocals
Copyright 2026 Zach London
I need just a couple minutes and
Thirty-six seconds
To pop in and help you understand
Paradise beckons
When your goal is make it through next
Two or three more weeks
When you’re pretty sure the leak is fixed
Then the fixture leaks
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, may it ever increase
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, may it ever increase
You’re catching on
You’re catching on fire
You’ve outperformed in terms of organic Me Traffic
You’re picking up
You’re picking up steam
You’re testing off the charts in the Me Demographic
No more dread of getting second-guessed
Getting catcalled at
No more hearing coffee is the best (No!)
When it’s not all that
No more penance to the Grammar Cop
You’re the ordained GOAT
Rise above it like a turboprop
You’re a parade float
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, may it ever increase
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, may it ever increase
You’re catching on
You’re catching on fire
You’ve outperformed in terms of organic Me Traffic
You’re picking up
You’re picking up steam
You’re testing off the charts in the Me Demographic
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, -er increase
Ooooh, may it ev-
Ooooh, -er increase
Doo doo doo duh doo doo doo
May it ev-
Doo doo doo duh doo doo doo
-Er increase
Doo doo doo duh doo doo doo
May it ev-
Doo doo doo duh doo doo doo
Lauren London - lead vocals
Scarlett London - additional vocals
Copyright 2026 Zach London
So isn’t it apropos
That at the rate I’m letting go
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
Feel the building back begin
Feel the affirmation creeping in
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
Except that
My generation was born
Born to be free
Free to be bored and I want to be
Sporting a Baby Bjorn
Babies are there to be worn
But parents, beware and be warned
You’ve just been barely informed
Of this sucker’s economy
Daily you suckers are born
You suckers are born to lose
You losers are stuck in this musical comedy
Ha ha ha
Hey, and that’s the play within the play
And it feels so-so
And at the rate I’m letting go
It will feel so bizarrely wonderful and wonderfully bizarre
So isn’t it apropos
That at the rate I’m letting go
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
Feel the building back begin
Feel the affirmation creeping in
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
It’s all
Sketch comedy
Low
Sex
Prop comedy
Black
F bomb comedy
High
Dot com comedy
Rom comedy
70-something years to avail
All the 70 dumb things I do on the daily
Then suddenly me and my eons of being beyond the pale
Will just settle and suddenly
Ha ha ha
Hey, and that’s the play within the play
And it feels so-so
And at the rate I’m letting go
It will feel so bizarrely wonderful and wonderfully bizarre
So isn’t it apropos
That at the rate I’m letting go
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
Feel the building back begin
Feel the affirmation creeping in
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
I’ll accept what I am
When I’m a septuagenarian
Lauren London - additional vocals
Copyright 2025 Zach London
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
There’s a wormhole
In the center of a cinnamon roll
In the cen- cen- center of a cinnamon roll
In the center of a cinnamon roll
And at escape velocity, crisscross the frosting
Tossed across from pole to pole
In the cen- cen- center of a cinnamon roll
In the center of a cinnamon roll
And all the oldsters stir the pot
And all jesters stir the pot
The pretty monsters stir the pot
Come on, I want to stir the pot
And we’ll spaghettify the
Hipsters, mobsters
Tricksters, lobsters
Co-stars, youngsters
Roosters, dumpsters
Shit-posters, Friar’s Club roasters
Shysters, gangsters, oysters and toasters
You think you got troubles, kid?
What The Devil said he’d do, The Devil did
You think you got troubles, kid?
What The Devil said he’d do, The Devil did
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap Shhh…
So drive a plastic knife in
The hyphen between
Space and time
Where no life has been and no light can be seen
And we’re taking it to the bridge
To the Einstein-Rosen
Sticking our thingamajigs with the Higgs and Boson
Do-si-dozing through the frozen soup
With a tub of cookie dough and an ice cream scoop
And all the oldsters stir the pot (Stir the pot)
And all jesters stir the pot (Stir the pot)
The pretty monsters stir the pot
We’re not as big as we thought
There’s a wormhole
In the center of a cinnamon roll
In the cen- cen- center of a cinnamon roll
In the center of a cinnamon roll
And at escape velocity, crisscross the frosting
Tossed across from pole to pole to pole
In the cen- cen- center of a cinnamon roll
In the center of a cinnamon roll
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
‘Cause you’ll never get your fingers into that
No, you’ll never get your fingers into that
It’s an inverse Chinese finger trap
Lauren London - additional vocals
Copyright 2025 Zach London
