Download Song

Hey Devil, you are not real, but if you were, you’d be a pal of mine
‘Cause I'll shake hands with any gentlemen
And when you’d shake mine,
You'd see it's gentle because of calamine and aloe and lanolin
I'm levelheaded cause Ritalin
Breathing fine because Ventolin
So put me the first in line when they make fake adrenaline
Keep that venom in my flannel and denim ‘til I’m a skeleton
Just handle it
Land me a self-playing mandolin
I mean, I fiddle a little, but I’m fair to middlin’
You sizzle on fiddle and I want to channel it
Damn!
Make me as stoic as Riddick, acidic as Anakin
Damn!
Make me exotic, erotic and hot as a Dominican mannequin
And make Alyson Hannigan be my date for the high school clambake (Who?)
Satan, make all that happen
Maybe I’ll grant you that handshake

I want to be a better
Make me a better whatever
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for

Richard Scarry made it very clear that none of it’s demeaning
Folks in Busytown are sweeping
Housekeeping, plumbing and heating
Leading meetings, proceedings
Busy banking and cleaning
Every animal’s content in the knowledge that her work has meaning
Me? My dream was ready-made
I’d don a white coat and red cape and cut the red tape of Medicaid with a machete blade
If I could ace a test and rack up grades
Surely, I could face off ALS and tackle AIDS
Earn my accolades
See, you achieve what you believe, they say
Which is enticingly nice advice and surprisingly naive
And every day that I get blood on my sleeve
I wonder if I’m causing more net pain than I relieve

I want to be a better
Make me a better whatever
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
Want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever

Yo kids, so kids, hello, how goes it?
How's showbiz?
Did you read Joe’s obit?
They wrote of him he got a Chuck Norris total gym and totally got his reps in
He was so fit
So tidbit: he bit it
And we buried him with his FitBit so he could still get his steps in
No shit!

And maybe my gym shoes
Have really not been used
Am I out on a limb to say I should be slim because I pay my gym dues every month?
Then I look in chagrin on my skin and my chin and my shin and my sinews
And the way that I’m built
And I’m psycho with guilt and the cycle continues
So I attack the track
And practice abs and back
Stack successes
Take a crack at a six pack at 6 AM in the blackness
But I can’t hack it, get distracted
Start to slack and relax and backtrack and
The impact is taxing and I’m off of my axis
But if the act of being active makes you more attractive
Have the grace to face the basic fact that
Self-actualization is actually a fundamentally selfish act
Exactly

I want to be a better
I want to be a better
Make me a better whatever
I want to be a better
Make me a better whatever
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
Want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
I want to be a better whatever for everyone
Everyone, everyone


Lauren London - additional vocals

Copyright 2017 Zach London

Part I

Part 2

12/21/09

Dear Karen,

Thank you so much for writing back! I read your letter a vast number of times, and I couldn't help but notice the part where you said that you are allergic to oats. That may be hard to explain at restaurants, especially down here in Panama if you don't speak Spanish. I have decided to order you a custom T-shirt with a smiling Quaker and a big red X over his face. The size of the shirt will be medium. I realize that you could fit into a small, and I am in no way implying that you are in any way fat, but I think that the Panamanian waiters may be embarrassed to look at your T-shirt if it is too tight (they are very polite), and might miss the message that you are not in favor of oats.

Speaking of T-shirts, I saw a great slogan that I believe in with all my heart: "Be living simply so that simple people can also live." It struck a chord with me, because I don't believe in unnecessary luxuries. If you are looking for a man who will invest in opulent frills like a giant round bed, you will need to look elsewhere! It's hard enough to find sheets for a giant round mattress, let alone plastic sheets if one still has a problem with bed-wetting. (I'm taking a class on self-hypnosis and by time we are married, I guarantee this will no longer be a dire issue.)

After reconsideration, I will order custom-made round bedsheets, in case you conclude that my rectangular mattress is a "deal-breaker."

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

12/23/09

Dear Karen,

I took a closer look at your letter, and I think you actually wrote that you're allergic to cats, not oats. Your handwriting is fine (it's actually really nice.) I was probably just reading the letter too fast or at the wrong angle. I'm guessing that you were mentioning your cat allergy because I informed you that my cat, Otis Redding, will live with us when we are married. Your letter makes more sense now, although I thought you were mentioning your oat allergy out of the blue as a "getting to know you" kind of thing.

I am going to go ahead and send you the medium-sized anti-Quaker shirt anyway, because I was already done designing it online by time I figured out the mistake. You shouldn't wear it to restaurants, because they will incorrectly deduce that you don't want lots of oats, but you could still wear it to church, assuming that you do not go to a Quaker church.

Have you ever seen the comic strip where the Sarge says %$@! in one frame and *&@# in the next frame I'm not naïve I know these are supposed to be swear words, but I have been trying to crack the code to figure out WHICH swear words. I think @ is a vowel or a very common consonant, because it seems to be in both words.

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

12/27/09

Dear Karen,

When you move down here, be sure to vacuum before the movers come. Here's a cautionary tale that explains why: You probably remember my family moved away after 10th grade. (The science fair incident was a factor in that decision, but there were lots of other factors.) My dad had arthritis in his pelvis, so we hired some Mexican movers to pack and unpack for us. Three of the five of them were brothers. They were not very tall, but not a single one of them had joint aches or other joint-related problems like my dad. Here's the part that is amazing: The movers picked up stray pieces of shredded cheese that had fallen under the kitchen table, packed them in bubble wrap, boxed them up, and labeled the boxes "Kitchen." When we got to our new house in Carson City, they unpacked the shredded cheese underneath the kitchen table again. Doesn't that just make your jaw drop I was just in high school at the time, but I know we gave them an excellent tip.

My neighbor, Dignidad, is teaching me how to make paper. You'll never guess what the main ingredient is. It's paper! You actually put paper in a blender with water and a few other ingredients, and roll it out to make new sheets of paper. Apparently, this is how it is done the world over.

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

12/29/09

Dear Karen,

I wanted you to know that I gave away my cat, Otis Redding, so you can safely move here any time that is convenient for you. Even if you weren't allergic to her, I was going to give her away anyway, because she needs more freedom than I can ever provide her. She will be living next door with my neighbor, Dignidad, and we can visit her any time. I still have a small vial of her blood from when we were thinking about screening her for feline leukemia, but they wouldn't run the test because the vet couldn't accept personal checks. The vial is airtight, so you should be safe from the blood allergens, but I will put clear tape over the top of it, because you can never be too sure about these things!

Dignidad is a man, in case you were curious. His name means dignity. A lot of Panamanians name their children after virtues like tranquility, etiquette, good value, or loftiness. Dignidad's wife is named Cortesia Sobriedad, which means courtesy sobriety, and she has promised that Otis Redding will be well-cared for. Unlike SOME cultures, the Panamanian people do not eat cats, so don't be worried.

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

12/31/09

Dear Karen,

I went back and looked at your original letter again. Even though the letter was very short, I could tell that you are a great writer because you used a theme sentence at the beginning of the paragraph. I would certainly like to honor your request to "please stop writing," but before I do, I'm going to have to ask for a clarification. Do you want me to stop writing Please let me know exactly what you mean by this, preferably by sending me another letter with more details about your life and your feelings. Also, please include a return address, because I'm still writing to you at your parents' house! I certainly do not want to bug you if you find these letters annoying or not informative enough, so I will try to make them more informative. Did you know that the Panamanian tamborito is a Spanish dance blended with Native American rhythms, themes, and dance moves

I'm thinking about coming back to the United States at some point. There is simply too much grocery cart theft here, and I don't want our children to be exposed to that. Let me know how you are doing. What have you been up to

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

Part 3

3/11/2011

Part 4

5/22/2012

Dear Karen,

I wanted to send your father something for Father's Day because when you and I marry, he will be my dad too! Isn't that weird I emailed my own parents and asked them if your dad has a career, and they wrote back that he is some kind of medieval executive. What an intriguing job! This information has substantially helped me focus my gift search. I am now debating whether to get him a monogrammed chalice, tankard, goblet, or little glass potion bottle. Since you probably see him more often than I do (I haven't seen him in over 20 years), can you fill me in on the type of monogrammed medieval vessel that he would most like to store his fluids in at work

I will also need to know his middle initial.

Do you think he'd prefer to be called Pop or just Karen's Dad I will use whichever term is better for expressing the utmost respect.

With warmest regards,
Michael

-------------------------------------------------

6/1/2012
Dear Karen,

I went back and reread the email from my folks, and I realized that they were calling your father a "mid level executive," not a medieval one. I'm embarrassed! Please don't tell him I'm dyslexic, because I'm not. I haven't seen a neuro-psychologist to verify this, but I'm pretty sure I just misread that one word. If you want me to see a neuro-psychologist, I will, but just for reassurance.

I have decided to proceed with sending your father the monogrammed chalice, tankard, goblet, and potion bottle for Father's Day, if that's okay. The way I see it, he will need to remain well-hydrated if wants to become an upper level executive!

I also bought him a monogrammed flagon.

Do you think Karen's Mom would like a monogrammed flagon, as well What is her middle initial Even if your parents don't work at the same office, they can both drink from their respective monogrammed flagons at a predetermined time and feel some kind of interesting marital connection. I know you and I will have that kind of connection! :)

With warmest regards,
Michael

-------------------------------------------------

Dear Karen,

Do you wonder why I keep sending you dozens of post-cards instead of just sending you one or two really long emails Part of the reason is that I need to use up several sheets of hammerhead shark-themed postage stamps I bought a few months ago. A percentage of the sale of these stamps is going to protect this misunderstood species from the poaching nets of vigilante fisherfolk.

Also, I don't have your email address! Please send it to me as soon as possibly convenient. Don't worry... you'll still be able to see scenic and historical images of Panama, because I plan to scan new postcard pictures and send them as attachments with each email! I don't know whether or not it's legal to scan postage stamps without canceling them first, but I'll find out. In the meantime, I've been practicing canceling them by hand, just in case that is what I'm supposed to do.

With warmest regards,
Michael

-------------------------------------------------

7/19/2012
Dear Karen,

The dwarf lanternshark is the smallest shark in the world. That is probably why it is featured on the one centisimo stamp. I bought several pages of dwarf lanternshark one centisimo stamps just in case the postal rates go up, but they have not, so I've started putting a couple on each postcard as a gratuity for the postal worker. Gracias! I admit that two centisimos is a modest gratuity, but postcards aren't very heavy.

I will start tipping more if you worry that I'm being stingy.

With warmest regards,

Michael

-------------------------------------------------

I tried to get an appointment with a neuro-psychologist to help prove I don't have dyslexia, but the person I called turned out to be a handwriting analyst. Her name is Seora Chen, DSSH. I didn't know if I could trust a stranger with a full handwriting sample, so I sent her a couple pages of lower case m's. She studied it closely and told me that I was spirited, wary, and ignoble. Impressive, right If you ever write me back, I would like your permission to have Senora Chen, DSSH analyze your handwriting, too. I'm not sure what the letters after her name stand for, but I think it is some kind of advanced degree that will qualify her to tell us that you and I are a good match for each other.

With warmest regards,
Michael

-------------------------------------------------

7/27/2012
Dear Karen,

I've happened to notice that you haven't written me back. Probably this is because you would like for to send you a template. How is this

"Dear Michael, it's Karen here, hand writing a letter for easy analysis. I agree that postal workers should get a very small gratuity for each postcard, but that it will add up over time. Here's a funny word I heard. <____________> ! If you don't think it's funny, I guess you had to be there! I miss you and I'm sorry I haven't written in recent years. Here is the email address I use for personal communications: <___________>. I check it regularly. XOXO, Karen."

With warmest regards,
Michael

-------------------------------------------------

Part 5

8/2/2013

Part 7

8/5/15
Dear Karen,

You will be pleased to know that I am a philanthropist now. I donated some of my hair to an organization called, Locks of Lust. They are a non-profit that provides used clumps of hair to very sick people. (Apparently, some of the sickest!) It's not a big deal, except that now I am getting to be known for my beneficence and my large bald spot.

With warmest regards,
Michael


8/9/15
Dear Karen,

Would you like me to send you a picture of my new comb over A growing number of people (mostly women our age or slightly younger) have commented to each other about how tasteful it is. I will send you some photos that showcase my comb over from different tasteful angles.

Unfortunately, there is only one place around here that develops film, and I don't trust the suspicious-looking boy who works there. What if he makes extra copies of my comb over pictures for his own purposes I know this photo is important to you, so I will risk it.

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/11/15 Dear Karen,

My neighbor, Dignidad, is in a support group for people who suffer from emotional eating. I sometimes eat when I am hungry. I assume hunger is an emotion, so perhaps I should join the group They meet on Thursday afternoons at one of the mall kiosks. It is next to the place that develops film, so I can excuse myself from the support group every few minutes to spy on the suspicious-looking film boy.

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/14/15
Dear Karen,

What a night! You would be amazed to learn about all the different emotions that can lead to binge eating! Obviously, sadness is the big one, but tonight I met people who stuff their faces when they feel all kinds of things... timid, detached, trusting, or even indignant.

As you may expect, there was much less diversity in the type of foods involved. Everyone in the support group overeats the same traditional diet of plantains, root vegetables, and tropical fruits.

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/15/15
Dear Karen,

The woman who mediates the emotional eating support group is named Nobleza Moralidad, which means Nobility Morality. She is a recovering emotional eater, and she has a Panamanian Unibrow. This is different from the unibrows you see in the United States, where the two eyebrows meet in the middle of the forehead. Nobleza Moralidads eyebrows extend outwards around the sides of the head and meet in the back. It is very unflattering, but I won't tell her that, because it might send her into a corkscrew of shame and cause her to relapse.

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/20/15
Dear Karen,

Nobleza Moralidad invited me to dinner at her favorite mid-scale restaurant, Chorizo on Skewers. I assumed she was vetting me to verify my status as a card-carrying emotional eater.

Over dinner, I mostly talked about you, and about how we agreed to get married after 20 years if both of us were still single. This made me a little emotional (4 on a 10 point scale), so I ate three chorizo skewers. I told her that you and I never got around to exchanging promise rings, but if we had, I wouldn't be able to wear one anymore because my fingers had become fat from all of the emotional eating. After that, I cried for fifteen minutes and ate ten more chorizo skewers. Mostly, I ate them with my mouth open, so I could keep crying.

As we were leaving the restaurant, she informed me that she had not been vetting me for the support group. It turns out that our dinner had been a date! Either way, I think it went pretty well.

With warmest regards,
Michael



8/22/15
Dear Karen,

Oh no! There was an old mestizo woman selling photos of my comb over at the Farmers Market today! I don't know how she got them, but I am positive that it has something to do with the suspicious-looking boy at the photo shop! The silver lining to this whole fiasco is that I was able to buy every copy she had, and I will send them all to you shortly. Would you prefer them in 12-panel frame or a more organic-looking photo collage

With warmest regards,
Michael

8/25/15
Dear Karen,

I broke up with Nobleza Moralidad this afternoon. I could tell she was angry, because she immediately turned around and started gorging herself with plantains and root vegetables. The other clue to her anger was the furrowed unibrow on the back of her head.

Karen, I know that you and I have been keeping it loose, but I think I'm finally ready to take it to the next level with you. Please write back and let me know your daytime phone number and how you are doing. Also, please include detailed information regarding whether you think that taking it to the next level is something we should do this very minute, or if we should wait a couple more weeks. I am willing to wait two weeks so your co-workers don't accuse you of being my rebound wife.

With warmest regards,
Michael

Part 8

10/1/18
Dear Karen,

I have lived in Panama a large number of years now, but I am not afraid to learn new facts about the people and the economy. One item that you will be delighted to know is that Panama outstrips American innovation in three areas: adhesives, cement, and small bitter bananas you can cook with.

P.S. Do you remember on August 1, 1989 when we made the unbreakable promise that if we were single 20 years hence, we would marry each other? We were quite young at the time, but old enough to understand the durable nature of such a promise. I suspect you have you managed to remember this conversation over the years because of its extreme importance. I have too! But on that day, I also created a mnemonic device to ensure retention. The elaborate coding technique is the word MAKO, which is a kind of shark. The M and A stand for marry, the K for Karen, and the O for '09, which is the year we were supposed to get married if we were able to reconnect, hopefully by a series of postcards.

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/2/18
Dear Karen,

Another item of plausible interest to you is that Panama's first classic rock band, Austeridad Calva ("bald austerity") did not form until 2002, almost 40 years after the classic rock was discovered in the United States. If you ever want to hear a song that is known for its disciplined grooves and conservative guitar solos, download the complete works of Austeridad Calva.

What are you up to!

(That sentence was supposed to end with a question mark, not an exclamation point, but I didn't want to waste this postcard, which has a beautiful picture of two of our three great innovations: cement and cooking bananas.)

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/6/18
Dear Karen,

As you are aware, 2019 will start on a Tuesday, which is amazing news for my neighbor, Dignidad, who I have told you about. He still has his wall calendars from both 2002 and 2013, which also started on Tuesdays. He is lending me the 2002 one so that neither of us has to purchase a new wall calendar this year. He is very thoughtful.

Not that I necessarily deserve to be described as thoughtful, also, but I ordered you a diverse selection of 2002 and 2013 calendars from an online auction house. They will arrive sporadically over the coming weeks. Let me know when you get them and which one(s) you will select to keep track of your 2019 appointments. Feel free to save the ones you don't use until 2030, which will be the next non-leap year that starts on a Tuesday.

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/12/18
Dear Karen,

You and I have not had children together as of the time I am writing this postcard. That said, we may one day have conversations (filled with honesty) and mutually decide as a couple that we want to start a family. Thus, I decided to make an appointment with a pediatrician to start relationship-building now.

There are two pediatricians on staff at the local children's clinic. According to the website, Dr. Sosa specializes in "preventive care." In his picture, he has a lazy eye and gray hair. I love this combination! It suggests that he has overcome the adversity of misaligned eyes for many years. Or, less likely, he has failed to overcome the adversity, and this caused his hair to turn gray prematurely.

They don't have a picture of Dr. Molina on the website, but I decided to make an appointment with her. Anyone who can interact with a lazy-eyed person every day without it getting awkward must have a great bedside manner! She also specializes in preventive care.

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/22/18
Dear Karen,

On the taxi ride to Dr. Molina's office, I was listening to Panama's #1 classic rock radio station, Caliente 97.1. Apparently Austeridad Calva is planning a reunion tour, followed by two farewell tours. I'm sure that you agree that this combination of tours solidifies their status as a classic rock band.

Dr. Molina was running behind, so I sat in the waiting room for 20 minutes. They have a freshwater aquarium with fake plants and no fish. They were also playing Panama's #1 classic rock radio station, Caliente 97.1. I will not need a mnemonic device to remember the Austeridad Calva is planning multiple farewell tours, because I have now heard about it twice.

I will tell you about the visit to the pediatrician on a different postcard. I ran out of space on this one because I tried to draw the letters in "Caliente 97.1" as lightning bolts, like they do on their promotional T-shirts.

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/22/18
Dear Karen,

Dr. Molina's first question, which was very astute, was why I didn't bring any children to the appointment. I thought this might come up, so I showed her the 2002 wall calendar that Dignidad gave me, which features the works of world-famous baby photographer Anne Geddes. I explained that babies in the calendar were not mine, but similar in size and shape to the children that my fiancé Karen and I would one day have. She was not familiar with Anne Geddes and did not understand why the babies I showed her were dressed up as water lilies and peeking out of buckets.

I also explained that since the calendar is from 2002, it is likely that most of the babies are now on the cusp of adulthood and would need to transfer their care to a specialist in adult medicine. But again, since they were not actually my children, this important transition would probably take place in Australia, or wherever Anne Geddes lives and works. Dr. Molina and I agreed that we did not need to discuss this further, but by then there was only a few minutes left to delve into the importance of preventive care.

Before I left, I promised Dr. Molina that when we were ready, the three of us (Dr. Molina and the two of us) would have a mutual discussion, filled with honesty, about whether our children should have the specific vaccinations that she (Dr. Molina) recommends.

With warmest regards,
Michael


10/24/18
Dear Karen,

I'm just looking ahead at my wall calendar for next year and appears the Winter Olympics will be in Salt Lake City. Should we consider meeting there for an in-person discussion? It would be fun for you to enjoy professional quality ice dancing in your own country. Please write back and let me know!

With warmest regards,
Michael

Part 10

11/18/2021
Dear Karen,

You're not going to believe this, but the Spanish phrase for post office is "Oficina de Correos," not "Oficina del Postres." I'm embarrassed that I mixed those up! Especially because for the last three years, I've been writing you postcards and dropping them off at a dessert shop. These postcards featured world-class stock photos of Panama's natural and cultural highlights, and the things I wrote on them were equal parts informative and emotional.
There is a woman who works at Oficina del Postres named Nadalidad Diversión ("Birthrate Fun"). I assumed she was a postal worker, but I now know she is a pastry chef. The poofy white hat makes more sense now.

I explained to her that the postcards I had been giving her every 10-15 days since November 2018 were intended for my fiancé, and not for her. She didn't make any facial expressions when I explained this, so I don't know the extent to which this was heartbreaking information for her. Interestingly, a lot of people come into the post office/bakery and comment to each other that Nadalidad is physically good-looking, but I just see her as a close friend.

The good news is that she only speaks a few words of English, so she had discarded most of the 75+ postcards I had placed in her hand without reading them. That is a relief, because they had intimate and educational information on them. But when I asked directly, she agreed that the few English words she recognized on the postcards were both informative and emotional, in equal measures.

With warmest regards,
Michael


11/20/2021
Dear Karen,

I made an error when I started my last postcard with "you're not going to believe this." Of course you were going to believe it, because it is true! Obviously, I would not have promised to marry you if I thought you were not smart enough to believe things that are true. Likewise, you would have not made a solemn vow to eventually marry me if you thought I was the type of person who would utter falsehoods.

In fact, Karen, I cannot lie at all. You may recall that when we were kids, I refused to be the leader when we played Simon Says. That person must lie repeatedly, because the use of present tense (Simon SAYS) implies knowledge that someone named Simon is currently saying that very phrase/command. So if the leader says something like, "Simon Says Pat Your Head," and Simon is not actively saying that somewhere in the world, they are a liar. (Even typing it made me throw up for 10 minutes.)
I am more willing to play Simon Said and stick to very common phrases and orders that I can feel confident Simon once said, such as, "Simon Said I'm in the Mood for Carryout." Please consider writing back when you have a chance, and let me know your thoughts about this, and other virtues of mine.

With warmest regards,
Michael


11/22/2021
Dear Karen,

How are you? How is your day compared to the last few? I was reviewing my childhood journal and confirmed that on August 1, 1989, at 7:00 pm CST (8:00 pm EST), you and I made a solemn vow that if both of us were single 20 years later, we would marry each other permanently. It's kind of funny when you think about how often we say things that are true, but don't carry the weight of an unbreakable promise, such as "The weather is nice," or "Someone named Simon was once in the mood for carryout."

With warmest regards,
Michael


11/28/2021
Dear Karen,

Oh no! I just learned that Stephen Sondheim, the titan of American Musical Theatre, has died from dire complications of bursitis. It reminded me how much you used to enjoy show-tunes, and Stephen Sondheim show-tunes, in particularly. Was he the one who starred in Oliver!? (The confusing punctuation at the end of that sentence is because I am asking a question, but the name of the musical ends with an exclamation point.)

With warmest regards and heartfelt condolences for your loss,
Michael


11/30/3021
Dear Karen,

I went back to the dessert shop and asked Nadalidad Diversión (the questionably attractive pastry chef who I just see as a close friend) if she could make a custom desert in memory of Stephen Sondheim. I was worried that she might be disappointed when I told her that it was for my fiancé in the United States, so to cushion the blow, I gave her a blank postcard for her to throw away.

I can't remember which Stephen Sondheim musical is your favorite, so I asked her to make bespoke desserts for all three of them. Nadalidad doesn't specialize in baking things in different shapes, so all of the desserts will be a a semi-soft bread pudding. She has will label the shipping boxes with the image of Stephen Sondheim (R.I.P.) and the names of the Stephen Sondheim musicals: Oklahoma!, Hello, Dolly!, and Hello, Oliver!! (In this case, three of the four exclamation points are the names of the musicals, and the final one is to express my personal excitement at the thought of you opening your mailbox and finding it full of bespoke bread pudding!)

With warmest regards,

Michael


12/1/2021
Dear Karen,

How have you been lately? Let me know once you receive the individually labeled Sondheim bread puddings. It's not a big deal, except that they were very expensive because we had to pay the Sondheim estate to use his likeness on the labels. I was thinking that you might enjoy a Stephen Sondheim-themed honeymoon. What are the sights that inspired him to co-star in Oklahoma!?

If you would prefer to have our honeymoon in Carson City, because that's where my parents live, just let me know. Please write back at your convenience and be sure to use my address and not the Oficina del Postres, because I think the woman there might be secretly discarding your letters to me because of romantic envy.

With warmest regards,
Michael