Happy Wedding Molly and Paul

HAPPY WEDDING MOLLY AND PAUL

So Molly got married to a guy I never met
In the wedding of the century that none shall soon forget
But I missed it for another one,
A move I now regret
Cause compared to your wedding
Jims was worthless shit

So happy wedding
Molly and Paul
It's not just that we showed up late
We didn't come at all
But if you have another one
Don't hesitate to call
But don't do it too soon
I'm kind of busy still this fall

So here's to all the special things your marriage has in store
A life of joy, prosperity and silliness galore
And you will find each other cute for fifty years or more
Which, in my book, would qualify as being way hard core

So happy wedding
Molly and Paul
You made an awesome Sarah Connor
In our freshman hall
Even though your legs were broken
You used your arms to crawl
And killed that freaking terminator
Once and for all

So happy wedding
Molly and Paul
Your love is stronger still
Than that pathetic Chinese Wall
It's just as multilingual
And as fun than Montreal
And bigger than that stupid mountain
Somewhere in Nepal

So happy wedding
Molly and Paul
I'm sorry I've been out of touch
I sort of dropped the ball
We might travel to Montana
Though the odds are somewhat small
So I wrote my number on the disc
In case you want to call

HAPPY WEDDING PARKIE AND JOE

So Parkie got married
To a guy Id never met
In the wedding of the century
That none shall soon forget
And I missed it for some stupid test,
A move I now regret
I had to chew my fingers off
Cause I was so upset
I had to chew my fingers off
Cause I was so upset

So happy wedding
Parkie and Joe
The fact we missed it
Tops the list of things that really blow
And it's not just that we came in late
We didn't even show
But if you have another one
I swear to God we'll go

So! So!
So happy wedding
Parkie and Joe
Your love's a solid victory
For Cupid's mighty bow
For it's stronger than a wildebeest
And sweet as cookie dough
And richer than a chocolate cake
Or even Ross Perot

So happy wedding
Parkie and Joe
The next time we 're in Georgia
We'll swing by and say hello
First we'll tour the Jimmy Carter house
Then come and see your show
And visit the High Museum
Where they keep Whitney Houston's fro

So happy wedding
Parkie and Joe
We haven't even see your face
Since five long years ago
Now we wish you all the happiness
That marriage can bestow
And we love you more than Jesus does
(It's true... he told me so)

Dup da dup da dah
Dup da dup da dah
Ole!

HAPPY WEDDING JOANNA AND ZACH

So Joanna got married
To a guy Id never met
In the wedding of the century
That none shall soon forget
And the sun came out on schedule
When we thought wed all be wet
And everyone who came said
You're the cutest couple yet

So happy wedding
Joanna and Zach
I'm sorry we forgot your gift
I must have been on crack
But timeliness is sort of kind of
Something that I lack
So thankfully your registry
Was not completely sacked

So happy wedding
Joanna and Zach
Your love is stronger than an ox
And softer than a yak
And it's longer than an
Intercontinental railroad track
They should give you guys a trophy
Or at least some kind of plaque

So happy wedding
Joanna and Zach
I hope youve found a home
For all your wedding bric-a-brac
For us it took a couple years
To finally unpack
We've still got things in bubble wrap
We've never seen, in fact

So happy wedding
Joanna and Zach
I was hoping that this stupid song
Would help to win you back
I know its kind asinine
And probably won't do jack
But it's better to have your own wedding song than
Another set of silverware, a bundt pan, a cheese knife, a fondue set
Or spice rack.

HAPPY WEDDING ADRIENNE AND JON (Click here for video)

So Jon got married to a girl I'd never met
In the wedding of the century that none will soon forget
And even though they know I don't perform they made me play a set
Which I assume the bride and groom will very soon regret
Which I assume the bride and groom will very soon regret

So happy wedding, Adrienne and Jon
Your nuptials have raised the bar for weddings from now on
If marriages were condiments then yours would be dijon
It's the most romantic thing since Princess Leia married Han

So here's to all the special things your marriage has in store
A life of joy, prosperity, and air guitars galore
And you will find each other cute for forty years or more
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core

So happy wedding, Adrienne and Jon
This room is full of Methodists, who tend to be withdrawn
But the Patti Wagon driver told me he'd come back at dawn
And haul away your parents if they're passed out on the lawn

So happy wedding, Adrienne and Jon
Your kids may not be scrawny but at least they'll all be blonde
They'll inherit your tenacity, your sense right and wrong
And when they're born, they'll know the chords to every Zeppelin song

So happy wedding, Adrienne and Jon
Too cheap to get a wedding band, or have an open bar

So, so, so happy wedding, Adrienne and Jon
You've got the hot recording gear from 1991
And the bride is like a vision in her ivory chiffon
But I confess I only came to see Lake Wobegon

HAPPY WEDDING RUSSELL AND DAWN

So Russ is getting married, and by now I hope you’ve met
His fiancé, who is currently both Jewish and brunette
And despite the fees to Match.com which put them both in debt
The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet
The groom and bride have DIY’d the greatest wedding yet

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
The bride will be a vision in her ivory chiffon
And in previewing the slideshow I can see why Russ was drawn
It wasn’t long ago she was a shiksa and a blonde

The wedding will be charming, so we thank you in advance
We can notch another victory for internet romance
For Dawn, we hope that every day with Russ provides a chance
To fidget with your hair a lot and photograph some plants
To fidget with your hair and photograph some boring plants

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
Your nuptials have raised the bar for weddings from now on
If marriages were condiments then yours would be Dijon
It's the most romantic thing since Princess Leia married Han

So here's to all the special things your marriage has in store
A life of love and joy and Kurasawa films galore
And you will find each other cute for fifty years or more
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core
Which in my book would qualify as being way hard core

So happy wedding, Russell and Dawn
Enjoy your trek to Reykjavik, have fun, goodbye, so long
To Iceland, that’s the country Russ’s play is based upon
Which makes me glad that Thorstein didn’t take place in Iran

So Happy Wedding, Russell and Dawn
You’ve bought so many books, your bank account is overdrawn
But Russ gets paid to act, there’s always that to fall back on
Like when he did a touch of soft-core porn for Wild Swan

So happy wedding, here’s to Dawn and Russ
A marriage never lasts, they say, if only built on lust
But yours is built on love of cats, on Melville and on trust
So [RADIO EDIT], I’m sure that you’ll adjust

IT'S YOUR BAT MITZVAH, SCARLETT AVALYN

Thirteen years ago, Ann Arbor met a star
Who we celebrate today with open hearts and open bar
For our Scarlett is incredible, she’s grown so much so far
Though not enough to occupy the front seat of a car
Still not enough to occupy the front seat of a car (but close!)

It’s your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn
Your cousin read a Torah part, but much to his chagrin
Your Maftir was objectively the best there’s ever been
It’s not a competition, kid, but if it was you’d win

So Scarlett went to Paris with her parents for a week
She had taken French in school but was a bit too shy to speak
And she studied every monument and every posh boutique
But sadly, while in France, she had to forfeit every streak
Without her phone she had to forfeit every Snapchat streak

It’s your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn
You dodged the London nose and somehow got your mother’s skin
And you keep your body pure with both the foods that you take in:
Ramen noodle soup, and applesauce with cinnamon

At dancing competitions, she kicks everyone’s rear ends
She’s the boss of silly selfies and the queen of fashion trends
And she studies what’s important, ‘cause she knows her life depends
On memorizing every single episode of “Friends”
Yes, all 237 episodes of “Friends”

It’s your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn
Your appendix was so wonderful, you couldn’t keep it in
And without a single capsule of acetaminophen
You shrugged off RSV and overcame a broken shin.

Now Scarlett likes to bake a tasty cake or lemon square
But God forbid she’s asked to clean the pan and silverware
She still gets an allowance, and she spends the lion’s share
At Briarwood on clothing she will then refuse to wear
At Briarwood on clothing she will then refuse to wear

It’s your Bat Mitzvah, Scarlett Avalyn
Your parents can’t embarrass you, no that comes from within
We love everything about you, from your ankles to your chin
We love you more than all the bean burritos in Berlin

IT'S YOUR BAT MITZVAH, MALCOLM DAVID L.

So Malcolm is the youngest London ever, it would seem
And the only one not utterly appalled by sour cream
And today he led a service, and it went off like a dream
In the grandest ceremony that’s available to stream
The grandest ceremony that’s available to stream

It’s your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L.
You know each Fortnite dance and every Harry Potter spell
And you live in your pajama pants as far as we can tell
Though once a week you’ll wear a shirt, but only if we yell

When Malcolm has his turn and gets to DJ in the car
He subjects his folks to Hall and Oates, and songs by AJR
We are grateful for his YouTube channel’s 20 views (so far)
And glad you’re all still here despite the lack of open bar
We’re glad you’re all still here despite the lack of open bar

It’s your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L.
Our frisbee-throwing, fish-stick eating, dungeon-crawling pal
He can code in Scratch or Python, or in C# or Pascal
And loves to play the trumpet like he loves a root canal

So Malcolm has obsessions which we’ll list from A to Z
The Avengers
British Baking Show
Clone Wars and
D & D
Eighties music
Fencing
Groot and
Harry/Hermione
Interlaken
Jewish
Kamp (though that’s spelled with a C)
Lin-Manuel and
Minecraft mods and
Norse mythology
Ozo
Peter
Quill and
Ravenclaw
The Simpsons and
Tilapia
Udon noodles and
Vaccines for people in their early teens
Wandavision
X-wing ships and
YouTube vids with coding tips
And we can’t think of anything at all that starts with Z

It’s your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L.
The fact is Zoom Bar Mitzvahs aren’t so great for raising hell
We don’t have a chance to dance, but folks, it’s probably just as well
‘Cause throngs of moshing 7th graders kind of start to smell

It’s your Bar Mitzvah, Malcolm David L.
You rocked the Torah reading, and the whole shebang, as well
We’ve loved you ever since you were an embryonic cell
We’re so proud of all you are and think you’ve really turned out swell
The after party gathers at the virtual hotel